Not Invited
by Some Random Tosser
Summary: In this two-shot (not counting the incredibly un-exciting epilogue), Nepgear and her friends are headed for the beach to clean up the octopus problem. Now, I wouldn't be posting this here if it was just the event from the game again and, of course, I've put my own spin on it.
1. The Mission Briefing

**Hey, everybody. To all my loyal readers of _Hyperdimension Neptunia is Real!_, don't fret; I'm just taking a bit of a break. I thought I'd write something new just to break up the monotony a bit and I couldn't help but think of this two-shot complete with epilogue. Granted, most of it's taken from the events of _Hyperdimension Neptunia mk2_ but since when has that stopped anyone before? Going over established canon and putting my own spin on it is kind of my thing.**

**Anyway, I've been dilly-dallying. Here is the first of two chapters of _Not Invited_. It will be pretty much inconsequential but I was bored.**

* * *

Planeptune's Basilicom somehow managed to be both very busy and not very busy at all. "Not very busy" in how there were few people in a frenzy. "Very busy" in how the one person that was pushed themselves into overdrive to tackle the monolithic workload that had spread all over her schedule and free time like moss thanks to a certain purple-haired goddess not lifting a single button-mashing finger to do any of it herself. Oh, how Histoire was just about ready to pummel Neptune despite the girl being at least three times larger than she was. She was just about ready to take all of the papers and bury Neptune underneath all of it and then...

But Histoire had to collect herself. Dwelling on such thoughts was not healthy for her. Sadly, she did not have a stress ball small enough for her so she had to settle for breathing in and out. The idea of taking up yoga sounded so... _right_ with the Oracle. However, there was so much work to be done and she had no time for such activities. She needed to clear everything here! And there! And, if that wasn't bad enough, occupying the same list of Things Histoire Direly Needs To Do _Now_ was—

The Basilicom doors opened. Histoire, desperate for some sort of distraction from her turmoil, turned to see who had entered the holy building. As it turned out, it was the four CPU Candidates: Nepgear, the more responsible little sister of Neptune; Uni, who is almost as tsundere as her big sister, Noire; and the Lowee twins Ram and Rom, respectively the outgoing and shy sisters of Blanc.

"Oh, Nepgear! You could not have arrived at a better time!" Histoire panted as she flew towards Nepgear and her party.

"Histoire? Why are you rushing around?" asked Nepgear.

"There has been an emergency. I... don't know if it's appropriate to ask for assistance..."

"If it has to do with work, please don't hesitate," Nepgear assured with a smile. Oh, bless her purple heart (tee hee hee)! No way in any development hell would Neptune say something like that.

"I don't have anything better to do," said Uni. "I'll help out, too. Besides, I'm not convinced Nepgear can handle it on her own." Histoire doesn't really know why Uni's abrasive attitude qualifies her as Nepgear's highly implied One True Love Interest but, then again, friendships in Gamindustri manage to hold strong when they really shouldn't so she's stopped voicing her questions of the matter.

"Hey, yeah, I wanna help, too!" Ram shouted excitedly.

"Me, too," Rom volunteered shyly, completely opposite to her pink-clad sibling.

Four willing helpers! Histoire was beginning to think she had died! It wouldn't surprise her, given all the work she was forced to do for Neptune while the CPU was too selfishly preoccupied with her video games like she was just an ordinary girl doing ordinary things instead of a goddess doing goddess things like she damn well should but instead forced onto her Oracle to do even though it was _her_ job in the first place to handle most of the nonsense she was... Calm thoughts, calm thoughts, think of rolling waves... Ah, that's better. Histoire was close to exploding from anger right then (and dying for real).

"Thank you, everyone," Histoire said as a calm and collected individual who was not suffering from anger issues as the result of a negligent manager. "The current crisis involves the sudden appearance of octopuses." One might be tempted to correct Histoire and tell her she had meant to say 'octopi'. However, the word actually came about in the 1700s but then there was a push to make words more Latin so the word 'octopi' actually came after 'octopuses' but then some people figured out 'octopus' was actually Greek and came up with 'octopodes'. Not that this actually matters to anyone, not to people who can't even properly capitalised words in a fanfiction review or to the people of Gamindustri who didn't have Earth's history and were allowed to say whatever they darn well pleased.

"How many octopuses?" asked Nepgear.

"I do not know the particulars but reports indicate numerous octopuses are raining from the sky."

"That makes even less sense," Uni responded as if everyone else wasn't thinking that already.

Ram crossed her arms and smirked. "It doesn't matter how hard it rains octopuses. I'll burn them all up with my awesome magic." It was a rather odd thing to boast since all of Ram's best magic was of the ice element while her fire attacks, if she had any, were strictly limited to her lame combos. Perhaps she was saying she'd give them all cold burns?

Histoire was not the kind of person to worry over such details like that, however, so she continued. "The location where this octopus storm is centred is a place reserved as a natural sanctuary. It is banned to bring weapons into this area, let alone use magic."

Ram stopped smirking and Uni stopped looking so aloof for once. Nepgear and Rom were also concerned. "How are we supposed to get rid of them?" asked Planeptune's CPU Candidate.

"Carry them?" guessed Rom, twiddling her fingers.

"I fear that is the only solution." Apparently, taking a helicopter up into the sky to investigate why the octopuses/octopi/octopodes were falling was out of the question. "There is one other restriction." And here came the part Histoire did not want to mention. It was a stupid restriction and whoever thought it up should be slapped upside the head by Neptune... that is, if it wasn't Neptune who came up with the restriction in the first place. Frankly, that wouldn't surprise Histoire. "As I mentioned, this area is a protected zone to preserve the ecosystem there. You must purify yourselves first."

"A swarm of octopuses are raining on the area already. Why're they so concerned with protecting the environment there?" Now that was a sensible question on Uni's part. Good girl.

"Due to the strict nature of this task," began Histoire with an awkward smile, having sloppily dodged the question, "I was uncertain who to designate for it. However, I believe you all can do this. Please bring them back here, if possible. Thank you." It seems that Planeptune does not even have an army of faceless NPCs anymore to deal with problems like this. Talk about understaffed. Histoire should probably work on hiring more people. But first, she had paperwork to deal with. Back to her workspace she went.

Nepgear turned to her friends with an excited smile. "Great, we're going octopus hunting today!"

Uni was not excited. Instead, she looked very sceptical. "Did we accept this job a bit premature?" She probably meant 'prematurely' but I think she's only twelve and we all made all sorts of mistakes at that age. And every age succeeding that one. "I'm getting a bad feeling about it."

Perhaps her bad feeling was because, around the corner, a sinister dark shape was listening to their every word...

* * *

The Gamindustri Graveyard was the most horrific place in Gamindustri. Rusted and worn oversized gaming technology protruded from heaps of dark rubble on this landmass, perpetually overlooked by a menacing sky of black and blood red clouds. Actually, that was pretty much all there was to it. It's important to understand that, even if it's the most horrific place in Gamindustri, it's still only in Gamindustri.

What made everyone stay clear of the Gamindustri Graveyard apart from lacking many facilities, being ages away from the nearest settlement where one might be able to buy goods, being general inhospitable overall and being mostly inaccessible due to it floating in the air above the middle of Gamindustri for some reason, was that it was home to ASIC. The Arfoire Syndicate of International Crime was a malicious organisation that terrorised Gamindustri with piracy and game mods (they were big deals over there) using all the might of their mere six members. One mascot, one grunt and four leaders were all that formed ASIC, which might explain why they didn't have a lot more presence in the landmasses and only dispatched one member for a job at a time.

So the grunt and two of the heads — Linda, CFW Magic and CFW Brave— were preoccupying themselves by playing on a portable game console, reading a book and just standing against a wall with his arms crossed respectively. Linda, the gray-skinned deviant wearing a rat-styled hoodie and baggy pants, was essentially growling at her game console as she pressed buttons and moved sticks with more force than necessary. CFW Magic, the purple-skinned de facto leader of ASIC who was wearing essentially just a black microkini and an eyepatch, turned to the next page of her book before chuckling. CFW Brave was just minding his own business. You'd think a three-metre tall robot coloured in red, white and blue with shoulder cannons, airplane wings and a lion's face on his chest would have plenty to do but no. His hands were too big for gaming or reading, after all, and CFW Judge was too busy being dead to spar with him.

"_DAMN IT!_" yelled Linda as she jumped up in the air and threw at the ground her console worth tens of thousands of credits, where it shattered into dozens of diminutive yellow pieces.

Magic looked up from her book at her subordinate. "Did you die again?"

"No! I was about to win! Then the battery crapped out on me!" Linda's fists were clenched so tightly and shaking so quickly that she probably could've crushed a lemon in her grip.

"Oh dear. I am sorry to hear that." Magic was used to Linda getting frustrated and lashing out but it didn't stop her from expressing concern. "If only Pirachu hadn't run off on us. Where is he, anyway?"

"Hell if I know..." grumbled Linda as she sulked away to the nearest rock pile and slumped down next to it. It wasn't commonly known but Pirachu had the ability to generate electricity from his body. As the Graveyard was bereft of any power outlets and the oversized gaming instruments were completely out of juice, Linda would often use Pirachu without his consent as a power source. "I swear, when that rat gets back here, I'm gonna choke him by his own tail."

"CFW Magic, ma'am!" squeakily called the devil as he ran towards the pair as fast as his stubby little feet could carry him. As Linda said, he was a rat. As Linda didn't say, he was a huge rat. A huge grey bipedal red-eyed rat standing at over a metre tall with an oversized head and a zig-zagging tail ending in a black heart that had a red zig-zagging line in the middle of it like a broken heart. This strange monstrosity hurried over to Magic before bending at his knees, panting to get his breath back.

"There you are!" Linda stood up and pointed her jagged iron pipe at Pirachu. "My game lost power and I lost all my progress! Where were you?!"

"Ah, shut it! Why should I care about your stupid game?" Pirachu then glanced over at the sharp remains of Linda's handheld. "And why'd you break all of it if power was your only issue? Man, you're an idiot."

"_I'm_ an idiot? Who's crushing on a stupid bimbo that sounds like a rotted rubber duck?"

"You take that back! My dear sweet Compa's voice is absolutely divi—"

"Ahem."

Magic clearing her throat had the same effect on Pirachu and Linda's hostilities as a cannonball did on a house of corn chips. The now terrified mascot and grunt shakily looked towards their leader with the wide and fearful eyes of deer with broken legs. Magic flatly looked at them with all the mild disapproval of a parent having to tell their child to take their shoes off inside. Dog-earing her current page, she closed her book and set it down before walking over towards Pirachu. The poor rat only shook more and more with every step she took. "Where did you go?" she asked.

"P-P-P-P... P-P-P... P..." the rat stuttered.

"Spit it out."

Pirachu yelped. "Yes ma'am! I was at Planeptune's Basilicom! I was eavesdropping! I know where the Candidates will be! They will be without their weapons and no one else will be around! Please don't stew me and feed me to an ogre!"

CFW Brave glanced at the mascot. Well, he might have, anyway. It's rather hard to tell such a thing if the glancing eyes were the immobile optics of a giant robot.

"Wait, what'd you just say?" Linda asked, suddenly very interested. "You know where the tramps'll be?"

"Earlier today, Planeptune's Oracle told the four Candidates to go to some place for a job. They're not allowed to bring weapons or use magic there so they're completely defenceless."

"This is _great!_" For the first time today, and most likely the only time today, Linda was cheering. "We can smash them in one fell swoop! Let me go get 'em, ma'am! They won't even see me coming!"

CFW Magic was not so easily riled by the prospects of low-hanging fruit. Instead of jumping right for it, she pondered the opportunity. "It sounds like a pleasant chance for us but it seems too good to be true... Tell us, Pirachu, where are they?"

The bipedal rodent shrugged its stubby little arms. "Nowhere special. Just some natural sanctuary. They're going to take care of some octopuses that are falling in the area or whatever."

"_WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!_" bellowed the loudest voice of ASIC, shocking Pirachu, Linda and even CFW Magic as the voice's owner shot around the corner like a Haunted Mansion ride prop at an amusement park. One of the Four Felons alongside CFW Magic, CFW Brave and the not-even-slightly-missed CFW Judge, Trick was certainly unique amongst them. Instead of looking the part of a fearsome felon, Trick was an obese yellow robo-dinosaur that looked more like a teddy t-rex made of metal than anything else, complete with an extremely long red tongue hanging out through his jaw of red diamond teeth like the world's fattest red curtain.

"How do we not hear you coming?" asked Linda.

"Did you just say my dearly beloved nubile maidens are going to be around _octopuses?!_" Trick demanded as he stormed right up to Linda.

"Yeah, I did." Linda was not fazed as she found herself looking upward to meet Trick's gaze. He was one of the Four Felons so he was an extremely dangerous combatant that could knock Linda around before she could even crack at how he was a robot nonsensically designed to be fat. However, taking into account his tongue being at such a length that he shouldn't be able to speak, his high-pitched yet deep voice akin to a hive of drunk bees in a pot and the fact that he moved by bouncing around on his backside due to his legs being too short to support his bulk, it was hard to take him seriously.

"Oh no, this is a disaster!" Trick bum-shuffled over to the nearest wall and cried against it. "My lovely pure angels... How could anyone let them suffer at the malefic hands of... of... those _things?!_"

"What on Gamindustri are you going on about?" Magic asked.

"Don't you get it?!" Now Trick was mad. This was a very rare occasion, since Trick was about as smart as... well, a teddy t-rex. The only things on his mind were 'little girls', 'more little girls', 'knitting for little girls' and 'this game is too hard'. No one quite knows what that last one has to do with others and it's been a matter of several debates that have, unfortunately, never gotten anywhere. "Octopuses are evil, disgusting, slimy, ugly, round, stupid, perverted little monstrosities! No maiden should ever be around one!"

"You should get one as a pet," Pirachu remarked.

"The tentacles... _oh, the tentacles!_" Now Trick was sobbing again. "Slicked with the ocean water, they wrap their tendrils around the exposed skin of their prey as a nurse wraps a bandage but with their suction caps, sticking to the skin like blu-tac kisses that leave blue hickeys that poison both the skin and the beauty it holds together! And that is but one way those demons below violate the fountains of youth that glide around our world, untainted by these perversions as they should be!"

"Have you been reading my books?" CFW Magic inspected her novel for slobber.

The fat robot shoot his fist at the sky. "I cannot idly sit back while knowing my delicious little muffins are to be infected! I, CFW Trick, must protect them at all costs!"

Not even Histoire, the tome whose pages contained all information there was of the world, could have predicted the following event. The members of ASIC, who actually knew Trick personally, would never have expected that which was to occur. Anyone who ever met or saw CFW Trick would have laughed viciously at you if you even entertained the notion that what was going to happen would happen. Nevertheless, it happened in a moment as sudden and fleeting as a shooting star.

Trick stood up.

"S-S-S-Sir?!" Linda babbled.

"T-Trick! What has gotten into you?!" shouted CFW Magic.

"Hey, hey! Take it easy!" Pirachu joined in, as it was customary for all members, without exception, of a group of anime characters to make shocked remarks in response to a surprising event.

With one swift motion of his thick hand, CFW Trick raised his index finger to the black and red sky. "Time is of the essence! I must go and save my nubile maidens! _Don't worry, my precious angels!_ _I'M COMING!_"

After announcing his intentions, Trick ran towards the edge of the floating graveyard, every step of his short thick legs hammering against the ground and shaking Magic, Linda and Pirachu. This continued for a minute or so until the monstrosity finally left the area and got to the main land of Gamindustri somehow without a freight elevator or even a parachute.

Linda pulled off her hood and wiped her forehead. "Wow... that was something new."

"I think," began Magic, "that we should leave the Candidates very much alone."

"Second," agreed Pirachu.

It was then that CFW Brave walked past the trio, along the path that Trick had just stormed down with all the force of a legged boulder.

"Where are you going?" inquired Magic.

"I'm going with Trick," he answered. "If he's going to encounter the CPU Candidates, I have to make sure he doesn't compromise us."

"You just want to see Uni again..." Linda muttered.

Brave turned to look up at the sky. "Did anyone else hear that? I seemed to have missed it. Oh well. I'm sure it was nothing significant."

Magic placed a hand on Linda's shoulder and squeezed it gently. The poor underling was getting all worked up.

"Now," continued Brave, "if no one has anything important to say, I shall depart."

Not one of the trio said a word. Brave waited a few moments for that to change but it didn't. So he left without saying another word.


	2. The Mission Execution

The four CPU Candidates arrived at the sanctuary and, apparently, the "purification" mentioned by Histoire consisted of catching the octopuses/octopi/octopodes in the beach waters while wearing swimwear. Not that the girls minded; they were having tremendous fun despite how much Uni denied her enjoyment in all her tsundere-ness. The sun showered its light on the water-drizzled skin of the Candidates, making them sparkle in the summer day as the gentle sapphire waters lapped at their exposed legs each time one of the cephalopod molluscs dropped into the water with a small splash.

"Hooray, I got one! This is our tenth catch!" cheered Nepgear as she held what was essentially a red ball with black beady eyes, a round hole for a mouth and all its legs stuck together like the sunflower that Nepgear stuck in her long, violet hair, replacing the d-pad accessory she normally wore. Nepgear also wore a pink two-piece bikini decorated with darker pink horizontal stripes and yellow bows. "I thought grabbing these creatures would be kind of gross, but they're really colourful and cute in a way."

"Yeah... cute..." agreed Rom in her usual meek manner that should not be confused for sarcasm in a non-aural medium. She wore a straw sun hat and a pink one-piece swimsuit with white flowers printed on it and a short frill around the waist. Her method of catching the octopuses seemed to be using another straw hat as a bowl, as it was already holding a blue octopus. Instead of standing in the water like the others, she was sitting on a larger red octopus that didn't seem to mind the weight at all. Then again, judging by the blank expression it shared with all the other sea creatures, it might not have even been aware of it.

"H-Hey! Don't cling onto my swimsuit! Get off!" Uni shoved a red octopus away from her as she looked back at the others. The swimsuit that the red octopus seemed to like so much was a black bikini adorned with pale stars of different colours.

"Whoa, another one swam over there," Ram pointed out, carrying a blue octopus on her head. As expected of an anime/JRPG twin, her swimsuit was identical to her sister's except it was a light orange.

"What?" Unfortunately for Uni, an octopus took advantage of her distraction (that is, if it was even aware of the world around it to the degree that it could see she was distracted) and stuck itself onto her thigh. "Kyaaaaah! I said to stop clinging onto me!"

Nepgear rotated the red octopus in her hands until its face was looking directly at hers. No one could tell for sure whether or not the thing actually knew she was there. As it blinked, Planeptune's CPU Candidate couldn't help but smile. Her gaze then crossed the water her friends still tread, watching more octopuses fall into their space. "There are so many colourful octopuses," she noted, seeing how one of them might be either red, blue, yellow, green or even purple. She then looked over at Uni. "Hey, hey... do you think they'd vanish if we lined four of the same colour up?"

"Ugh, this is really pissing me off," Uni cursed as she peeled away yet another octopus that was either completely aware or completely oblivious to its kind's trend of sticking to Lastation's CPU Candidate like the fruit stickers on an apple. I'll catch and barbeque them all!"

"Yum, that sounds awesome. Takoyaki rules!" Of course, Ram was forgetting that they were in a natural sanctuary but, as her mental age most likely mirrored her physical age, it was to be expected. Plus, they were at a beach; thoughts of barbecues were inevitable.

"I like it, too," chipped in Rom.

"Hm..." Nepgear thought. "Maybe once we finish up here, we can have a takoyaki party. But... will this really end? Even more are falling from the sky even as we speak." Another issue was that a method of storing and transporting the octopuses had not been established. Not a single basket could be seen and there were far too many of the falling creatures to carry back by hand. Perhaps they were storing them in the same place they kept their weapons.

"The octopuses are gathering... Kyaaah! Don't come any closer!" Unfortunately for Uni, the octopuses were either braindead or ignoring her as they swam or drifted even closer to her. "Nooooo!"

At the very least, Ram was enjoying the spectacle. "Whee, this is so nifty! The octopus rebellion!"

"Uni, they like you," said Rom, possibly to comfort her.

"Don't make small talk!" Uni whined. "Help me!"

"_I'll save yoooooooou!_"

"What?" blurted Nepgear, turning around to identify the source of the yelling. An instant later, her wide-eyed self wished she hadn't.

Even in a world as inconsistent of Gamindustri, she'd never quite seen anything like it. CFW Trick, one of the feared Four Felons of ASIC, was dashing at full frightening speed towards her party, his feet showing absolutely no regard for the water that should have at least slowed him down. At his speed, his tongue dangled and flapped over his left shoulder in the wind in a way that would be a massive bummer if he collided with any flies.

"Trick, get back here!" Brave shouted, struggling to keep up with the rampaging teddy-rex despite his vastly more powerful legs and stronger frame. The problem with having airplane wings on your back is that they're not streamlined, see.

"What the— Brave?!" called out Uni.

"Ah, it's the icky perv!" Ram cried as she pointed at the rapidly advancing Trick.

"Don't worry, my lovelies! You're safe with meeeee!" After Trick shouted his declaration, he flipped up into the air and rolled a bit before falling towards the party.

The party screamed and dived out of the way, dropping any octopuses they were carrying and leaving them oblivious to the enlarging shadow that was quickly covering them until Trick belly-flopped onto where the girls had been. However, it didn't occur to Trick that the water was very shallow since it only reached Nepgear's knees in that spot. Therefore, he ended up crashing right onto the sand, squashing the octopuses completely and creating a small wave that rose up and lightly broke against the backs of the retreating candidates and carried the other octopuses further out. It's a good thing he didn't perform that dive in greater depths; the resulting waves could've ferried the Candidates off to a certain world on the backs of four elephants standing on a space-faring turtle.

"Woohoo!" Trick cheered, jumping up and allowing the water to run back into the spot he just belly slammed before anyone could see if the squashed octopuses had their eyes shaped like crosses or not. "No squishy abomination is going to touch _my_ nubile maidens!"

"Th-Th octopuses..." Nepgear muttered in complete horror. If she saw them pancaked on the ocean floor, she'd probably have passed out then and there.

Rom covered her mouth with her hands. She could only stare at the scene of devastation with shaky eyes.

"I dunno if I should be sad or thrilled..." said Uni.

Then the remaining octopuses turned towards Trick. Then they actually looked at him.

"... Huh?" sounded Trick.

"Huh?" sounded the Candidates, also not expecting the octopuses to show obvious signs of sentience.

Then the octopuses looked really cross and extended their tentacles.

"_Huh?_" sounded everybody at once.

Then the octopuses rocketed at Trick, sticking to every part of his body that wasn't already occupied or going to be occupied by another octopus. In one swift moment, Trick had become unrecognisable from all the red, blue, yellow, green and purple octopuses clinging to every part of him that they could.

"Ah! Help!" Trick cried, muffled yet loud enough to be heard by the Candidates and Brave. He stumbled this way and that and violently shook his body all over to force the cephalopods to vacate his person but they were clinging on tight with a vengeance. "They're all over me! Their suction caps stinging me with their kisses of blue hickeys that threaten to poison me!"

"You're a robot," Brave reminded him. "It can't be that bad."

"They're eating me! It's horrible! _I can't take it anymore!_" Trick shook himself in one direction a bit too hard and fell backwards into the water, allowing even more octopuses to occupy his surface area.

"Oh, for... Fine." Brave trudged over to his whiny companion and began manually taking the octopuses off and throwing them back into the water.

Nepgear turned to Uni. "We've got to help him!" she declared, as compassionate as ever.

Uni just looked at her like she had just suggested helping out of a tight fix their enemy sworn to destroy their world. It was a very appropriate reaction because that was indeed what Trick and the rest of ASIC were up to. "Why should we?" she asked.

"Because... because he's covered in angry octopuses, Uni!" Nepgear looked at her black-haired friend even more intensely. "Don't you know how that feels?"

This got a grimace out of Lastation's CPU Candidate, who had been getting stuck to by numerous thick-headed octopuses only moments before. "Fine... but this is only because you won't stop whining if I don't, okay?"

"Ew, help the icky perv? No!" Ram's protest came not from the fact that Trick was one of the six individuals aiming to wipe out all of Gamindustri but from the fact that Trick was not the most... stable of folks and had a fondness for licking Ram and Rom a while back.

"_Ahhhhhhhhh!_" Trick just kept on screaming. Brave was taking his sweet time with his removal duties, only taking one at a time and being as slow about it as he felt like.

"Fine," Uni answered the orange-clad Lowee Candidate. "We'll do it ourselves."

* * *

"Ha... ha..." Trick, finally free of all the octopuses, rested on the sandy shore. Brave and the CPU Candidates surrounded him as he was trying to get his breath back. Granted, Trick was a robot so the need for breath was probably all in his head but everyone just played along anyway.

"Feeling better yet?" Brave asked, sounding a tad more indifferent than most other people would if they asked such a question of their associates.

"Brave..." The teddy-rex exhaustedly raised a hand towards his companion who couldn't seem to be able to care less. "I feel... violated... I felt their... tentacles... all over me... It was... humiliating... and degrading... Can I possibly return like this? Used and discarded like common trash?"

"You know, they could've just been showing affection. Sort of like what you do for all the wrong reasons," said Brave.

Ram crossed her arms and pouted. "Serves you right for doing the same thing to us, you icky perv!"

Hearing her voice, Trick turned to look at Ram. At once, he was completely revitalised as if he hadn't been swarmed by malignant sea creatures just moments ago. "My sweet honeys!" He bounced up into the air and landed on his backside. He then leaned forward to look more closely at Lowee's CPU Candidates, who were leaning back out of disgust for the Felon. "Are you hurt? Did those mean monsters wrap themselves around your pure, young bodies?" Just to turn the creepiness dial up to eleven, Trick extended his long, fat, saliva-excreting tongue towards the twins. "Don't worry... Daddy's gonna make it all better..."

"Hey, back off!" warned Uni as she quickly stepped between Trick and the twins. Trick's head and tongue shot back like they had just touched a fire.

"But their wounds! Those feral octopuses and their insidious marks! They must be treated..." Once more, Trick tried to extend his tongue around the black-haired Candidate.

"No means no!" Uni pulled out her rifle and pointed it right at the Felon, who let out a small yet sharp 'eep!' "I've been touched by those disgusting things and I'd go through that again before letting them get licked by you! Stay away or I'll shoot you right between the eyes!" They would solve the legal issues of doing such a thing in a natural sanctuary later.

"I don't take kindly to my companions being threatened, Lastation Candidate," said Brave in a low, dangerous tone as he stepped forward, brandishing his bright red double-edged sword. "Lower your arms. No one needs to bleed today."

"Yeah! All I wanna do is fix up my nubile maidens!" Since Trick was a bit oblivious to the concept of 'no' (which was just a tad odd; you'd think an evil entity representing the frustration of playing hard games would understand such a simple social cue), he once again tried to reach Ram and Rom with his tongue. "Let me just lick them a little bit..."

"Keep that thing _away from me!_" In a rage, Ram pulled out her staff and fired a bolt of ice right at Trick's tongue. Brave, however, was deft enough to throw his sword in the way so that the bolt would strike it instead but the antsy Uni then fired an explosive shot at Brave's shoulder out of reflex.

Brave glanced at this slightly charred shoulder.

Uni gulped.

Brave looked back at Uni.

"Oh goodness..." remarked the rapidly paling Nepgear.


	3. The Missions Aftermath

"Mhm mhm mhm mhm mhmhmhmhmmhmhm..." Histoire hummed away as she merrily finished off another piece of paperwork. In just a matter of hours, her pile had gotten so small that she could actually see the ceiling light again. How refreshing it was to know someone out there was looking after you! Ever since the Candidates left to tackle the task she requested of them, Histoire felt like the workload in front of her was only half as big as it actually was. As if a weight had been lifted off her shoulders, Histoire tackled it all again with renewed vigour and less of the temptation to just give up and waste the day away playing Group Fortifications 2.

Then she heard the door open.

Being in such good spirits and managing to only think about how to tear apart Neptune only once since the Candidates embarked on their mission, she was entirely unprepared for the girls to be covered in bruises, scratches and sand. Well, actually, the sand shouldn't have surprised her; she knew where she was dispatching them to, after all. However, the bruises and cuts were completely unexpected and, last she checked, Histoire was very certain the mission didn't call for anyone getting cuts or bruises.

"What happened to you four?!" she called in concern, rapidly flying up to their groaning sides.

"We got attacked..." reported Nepgear. "Two of the Four Felons found us..."

"_What?!_" shrieked Planeptune's Oracle. "My goodness! How did you escape?"

The four Candidates looked at each other. It was the kind of look that said they knew what to say and wanted to say it but had no idea how to. It was during their hesitation that Histoire noticed that Ram and Rom were hardly damaged if at all while Nepgear and Uni suffered the majority of the wounds. "Well..." began Uni, "... we actually sort of won. I think."

* * *

Since it was a desolate wasteland, not a whole lot happened in the Gamindustri Graveyard. This is why it really stood out to CFW Magic that a battered Brave with one eye blinking on and off was dragging Trick behind him on his back by his tongue. Trick was soundly unconscious and Brave did not look even slightly pleased.

CFW Magic turned another page in her book. "How did it go?"

Brave stopped immediately. If he was human, chances are his chest would be rising and falling very noticeably out of angry fatigue. "I don't want to talk about it."

"I don't suppose there's a reason you're dragging Trick along by his tongue?"

She heard a sigh come from Brave. She didn't know why, given he didn't have any lungs and sighing wouldn't really... Actually, since the whole world essentially ran on bulldust, it was best she stopped thinking about it. So anyway, Brave looked at her. "We engaged the four CPU Candidates in battle. It did not end well for us. Or them, either."

"There were two of you. It should have been easy pickings."

"You would think so." Brave pulled Trick up a bit so that the top part of his body was off the ground to bring attention to him. "Whenever I tried to attack the Lowee CPU Candidates, Trick would jump onto my back and plead that I didn't hurt them. He would keep holding on until I shook him off or until either the Planeptune or Lastation Candidates shot him instead of me for once. Eventually, I just cut my losses, knocked him out and came back here."

Magic glanced over the body of CFW Trick. Indeed, the annoying pervert was still completely unconscious, he had carved out an entire ditch in the middle of the Graveyard path just by being dragged along and there was a noticeable dent in the top of his head. "Well, it looks like he'll be fine."

"I've seen Pirachu take hits worse than this. If Trick doesn't wake up in at least two hours, he'll be a disappointment to us all."

"He already is." Magic let out a sigh. "Four CPU Candidates right where we wanted them. Two of the mighty Four Felons volunteered to take care of them and they have nothing to show for it."

"Actually, I just went to make sure Trick never went out of line. Trick just went to lick the Lowee twins. No one was taking care of anyone in a metaphorical way."

"I still have no idea how Trick's penchant for little girls connects to getting furious over extremely hard games," Magic commented as she advanced to the next page of her novel.

"No one does and I doubt anyone cares anymore." Having had enough of the conversation, Brave continued dragging Trick down the path with him.

Magic tsked a few times. "Well, that's one more mission ruined. I'm guessing six to go."

* * *

Histoire blinked. "He... jumped on his back?"

"I know!" shouted Uni. "It looked very stupid!"

"The big toy was giving a piggyback to the icky perv!" Ram added.

"I want a piggyback..." Rom muttered as usual only to be ignored as usual.

Nepgear gave her bruised shoulder a rub. "Histoire, it was a much harder job than we expected and I'm still not entirely sure we did it right. I don't suppose we can take the rest of the day off?"

Planeptune's Oracle looked over the wounds of the four girls again and sighed. "Well, you've all endured an awful lot today... Very well, then. Leave the rest of the workload to me. There's the issue of initiating violence in a natural sanctuary but I'm sure I can work around that."

"Yahoo!" cheered Rom as she high-fived her less-than-energetic sibling.

"I still could've handled it," remarked Uni with her arms crossed.

Nepgear, ever so grateful for a well-deserved break, bowed zealously. "Thank you, Histoire! I won't forget this!"

Histoire smiled fondly at the grateful Candidate. She performed her duty to the best of her ability and requested a break when she was reaching dire limits. It was such a good work ethic that Histoire couldn't help but be proud of. It was completely opposite to... no, it's best not to dwell on Neptune. Histoire actually got some work done today. "Take your time and rest, Nepgear," said the Oracle. "And make sure to clean yourselves up."

"We will! Don't worry!" answered Nepgear as she and her friends raced into the Basilicom, bringing this incredibly stupid and inconsequential story to a close.

**_~Fin~_**


End file.
